I’ve been having a difficult time writing. Not able to find topics I think others would have interest in, especially in a short, blog format. My thoughts have been deep, but need a logical structure.
So, I’ve come to the point where I think I need to write about the last 4 years, while they are still somewhat fresh. They have been very clarifying years for me. Defining years, but the lessons I have learned need refinement, at least for me. I need some structure within which I can go back to the future, so to speak. If I don’t learn from my past, I might repeat some of the same mistake, like not taking responsibility for my own life and the decisions required for each new day.
Honestly, it became easy to blame Greta for much of my own wandering…. And with good reason sometimes. But I don’t want to begin a new life in that manner. If I am blessed with the possibility of another relationship in the future, I need to approach with maturity, possessing myself and knowing my own responsibilities for me and my direction in life. I have begun to see that two can make decisions together. I never saw how that worked in the past. I usually went along, thinking giving her what I thought she wanted would make her happy…. But it didn’t. I think I’m becoming more confident in my own judgment, and that is a start. But I have more work to do. I don’t want to make an idol out of someone I love. And then resent them for their own weaknesses. I want to possess myself fully, weaknesses and strenghts, and that will allow me to give grace to the Other. I didn’t do that in the past.
I have thought about the possibility of living the rest of my life unmarried. However, something inside me longs to share life, and at the deepest levels of my being. I know the stresses of having lived with someone wrong for me, eventually believing that somehow we were wrong for each other. That is where my mind has begun to dig and learn. What is the nature of marriage, and how can people know themselves, and be whole… pursuing God as the Original relationship… Being Adam before there was Eve. Then be open to the presence of “a helper suitable” for them. I very much feel God’s edict of, “It’s not good that man should be alone.” I don’t want to build my life on another human being, and that is part of my continued self-work, but it sure would be nice to know someone was thinking of me…. that they wanted to.
I am very thankful for my kids, but I understand that I will always be an outsider in their lives, as my mother is an outsider in my life. That’s ok, we leave our parents to cleave to our life. That’s the way it is supposed to be. I can’t explain where the pull to a “One suitable” comes from, I just know it comes from deep within. I also know that the feeling is common for most men. I’m not sure if it is a testosterone thing or what, but it also is part of what makes me, Me.
However, I have thought and taught my kids to become who you are, follow your passions, and look around to see who is going in the same direction. Then you have at least one thing in common, or maybe more than that. I am just now having to learn to do that myself. Further, I don’t mind sharing directions. Couples can have seperate careers, but they practically must work out the kinks. I’m up for that, but it can’t be with someone concerned more with power than actual sharing. People who love one another are concerned that the other can develop their own skill sets and abilities and dreams. They aren’t threatened by it, on the contrary, they take joy in the other person’s growth. I think there is certainly value in the process of working out the kinks…. it calls for giving and receiving grace which goes against self interest and our own spiritual disease process. Marriage is a spiritual union…. a tool for honing each of us into more loving people. I believe that, and want to fully experience it. I still believe in marriage…. just not the one I was in for 23 and a half years.