A Little Tentative Self-Honesty….

I’ve been having a difficult time writing. Not able to find topics I think others would have interest in, especially in a short, blog format. My thoughts have been deep, but need a logical structure.

So, I’ve come to the point where I think I need to write about the last 4 years, while they are still somewhat fresh. They have been very clarifying years for me. Defining years, but the lessons I have learned need refinement, at least for me. I need some structure within which I can go back to the future, so to speak. If I don’t learn from my past, I might repeat some of the same mistake, like not taking responsibility for my own life and the decisions required for each new day.

Honestly, it became easy to blame Greta for much of my own wandering…. And with good reason sometimes. But I don’t want to begin a new life in that manner. If I am blessed with the possibility of another relationship in the future, I need to approach with maturity, possessing myself and knowing my own responsibilities for me and my direction in life. I have begun to see that two can make decisions together. I never saw how that worked in the past. I usually went along, thinking giving her what I thought she wanted would make her happy…. But it didn’t. I think I’m becoming more confident in my own judgment, and that is a start. But I have more work to do. I don’t want to make an idol out of someone I love. And then resent them for their own weaknesses. I want to possess myself fully, weaknesses and strenghts, and that will allow me to give grace to the Other. I didn’t do that in the past.

I have thought about the possibility of living the rest of my life unmarried. However, something inside me longs to share life, and at the deepest levels of my being. I know the stresses of having lived with someone wrong for me, eventually believing that somehow we were wrong for each other. That is where my mind has begun to dig and learn. What is the nature of marriage, and how can people know themselves, and be whole… pursuing God as the Original relationship… Being Adam before there was Eve. Then be open to the presence of “a helper suitable” for them. I very much feel God’s edict of, “It’s not good that man should be alone.” I don’t want to build my life on another human being, and that is part of my continued self-work, but it sure would be nice to know someone was thinking of me…. that they wanted to.

Freedom isn’t free…. a good bumper sticker, but for me, living an adventure is hollow without someone with which to share it. Like a painting with only one color in only one shade. Flat…. Boring.

I am very thankful for my kids, but I understand that I will always be an outsider in their lives, as my mother is an outsider in my life. That’s ok, we leave our parents to cleave to our life. That’s the way it is supposed to be. I can’t explain where the pull to a “One suitable” comes from, I just know it comes from deep within. I also know that the feeling is common for most men. I’m not sure if it is a testosterone thing or what, but it also is part of what makes me, Me.

However, I have thought and taught my kids to become who you are, follow your passions, and look around to see who is going in the same direction. Then you have at least one thing in common, or maybe more than that. I am just now having to learn to do that myself. Further, I don’t mind sharing directions. Couples can have seperate careers, but they practically must work out the kinks. I’m up for that, but it can’t be with someone concerned more with power than actual sharing. People who love one another are concerned that the other can develop their own skill sets and abilities and dreams. They aren’t threatened by it, on the contrary, they take joy in the other person’s growth. I think there is certainly value in the process of working out the kinks…. it calls for giving and receiving grace which goes against self interest and our own spiritual disease process. Marriage is a spiritual union…. a tool for honing each of us into more loving people. I believe that, and want to fully experience it. I still believe in marriage…. just not the one I was in for 23 and a half years.

Honestly, that is not a slap towards my former wife.  Our relationship was…. hard. I’m sure those of you reading this might say, “Right! All marriages are hard, but….”  and then you might go into a lecture about how you stick it out… work at it… MAKE it work. All I can do it point to 23 years. Almost half my life. We tried, but…
I have come to believe that the problems were actually in the beginning, and fundamental to who we are…. our personalities… our view and expectations of life… maybe even our genetic make-up… they seemed to be organic differences that didn’t seem to work together very well. Like oil and water.
Again, many of you reading this have no idea what I’m talking about…. and yet…. many of you do, and it scares you, especially if you are still married. I have walked through the past 4 years hoping to eventually help other people NOT experience what I have lived.
My mind acts like a dog I used to have. Sammy was an Irish Setter, and she loved to run and explore. When I lived in Colorado, I would take Sammy with me when I went into the mountains to fish or hike. As I was occupied with the activity, Sammy would roam. If I walked 2 miles, she would run 6. I was constantly having to reel her back in… to call her back to where I was before she got lost. My mind does the same. When I am busy in an activity, my mind is running, searching, asking questions, trying to make sense of my experience, always looking for connections between all I am experiencing.
And that is how I have lived the break-up of my marriage. Emotionally present, but also intellectually detached. Watching myself,  my former wife, and my kids, as if in the third person.
So I think I will be writing about what I have learned in the days to come.

One thought on “A Little Tentative Self-Honesty….

  1. That must of taken some courage to write…good for you. Oh, how I understand your constant mind of activity. Great write and I look forward to the ones to come.

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