Another View of Home…


The coffee shop I frequent near where I live is a half block from a bus stop. Tonight as I was sitting outside, three middle-aged women walked past me with shopping bags carrying the day’s haul. I suspect they took the bus further inland to the mall a fair distance away. I once again began to smile. A part of vacation is certainly shopping, and I suspected the men were off somewhere playing golf, fishing, or some sort of activity, while the women had fun in another way. My smile froze when I noticed one woman carrying a bag from Victoria’s Secret… Somewhere inside of me went cold. I was suddenly reminded of being alone.

I love where I live…

I enjoy my new work…

I get a kick out of working on the house in which I now live…

But I am alone in it. This afternoon after work, I walked in the door and sarcastically said to nobody, “Honey, I’m home… Well… there ain’t no ‘Honey’, but I’m still home.” The other day, I wrote of the beauty I have found here, and the fullness of life that we sometimes run past without really noticing. And yet…

There is still loneliness…

standing beside the beauty…

yelling sarcastic, melancholia…

fighting for supremacy of the moment…

tempting me to victim-hood…

So, I try to call a friend, or get some sleep, or watch a movie, or smoke a cigarette, or drink a beer, or eat something…

Self-medicating seems a large part of my life sometimes. That is honest, and not some attempt for sympathy or advice. I know a lot of the advice which might be given. I have given it to myself, and berated myself when I didn’t take it. I won’t try to quantify the above statements about self-medication by explaining the number of cigarettes smoked, or the amount of beer consumed, or… whatever; because it really isn’t about the amount, it is about the reaching for them rather than approaching God. Although I have also talked to God about it, too.

I told God that I wished God were Jesus again…

A real man I could hang out with…

Go fishing with…

Catch a game with and have a bratz and a beer with…

My point tonight, is that it is easy to draw life into definable lines behind which we live. But life is too real to be coaxed into idealism. It must be lived in dissonance of thought, expectations, emotions, relationships… I think that is why Jesus suffered, and the fathers and mothers of the faith set great store in the reality of suffering in life. I could go on and write about the value of difficult times, but I don’t wanna preach tonight. I will be honest, instead. Life is both good and it is hard. Maybe we need both to teach us not to rely too heavily on the former, nor fear the latter in such a way that we are held stationary. Growth is, and will always be my goal in life. I don’t really care how that growth looks to others…

although sometimes I do care… I want to be liked, respected, and loved, just like anyone. My constant prayer is that God will continue to use my life and experience to grow faith within me, and then allow me to reach outward.

But, to use the title of a movie from several years ago. sometimes:

Reality Bites….

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One thought on “Another View of Home…

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